The Little Word That Shrinks Us
/Recently I was talking with a woman I just met. She and her grandson were traveling and visiting relatives in France. As we talked, she got teary. “It’s just grief,” she said, waving her hand away as if it were nothing. That moment has stayed with me. She said it so casually, as if grief were something small—something that shouldn’t take up space.”
We all do it. There are two “justs” in the above paragraph. It’s a simple filler word we toss into everyday sentences (“just a minute,” “just right,” “just because”). You’ve probably heard it—or said it—today. “Just” can mean many things. That’s why it deserves more attention.
The word “just” can be a minimizer. When I performed threat assessments, I often heard things like, “Joe yells and swears and hits the desk when he’s angry. It’s just the way he is.” That little word was always a flag for me. We use it to explain away anything uncomfortable, like bad behavior or difficult emotions. Sometimes that can be dangerous because it blinds us to warning signs.
So hearing “It’s just grief” made me sad because I knew she was hurting, and also because so many of us apologize for the very things that deserve compassion. Grief shouldn’t be minimized or brushed aside. It’s huge. It rocks us. It deserves space, and it deserves to be witnessed.
That conversation was over two months ago, and it’s made an impression. I’m more mindful now when I use “just.” I’m moving away from saying things like, “It’s just a headache,” or “I’m just tired,” or “It’s just me.” My thoughts, feelings, and body are valid. I don’t need to shrink them with a little four-letter word.
Noticing our ‘justs’ might be one small way to treat ourselves with more honesty and care.
”What are your “justs”? How do you feel when you say it? When you hear it?
Tiny Self-Care Tip: Notice Where You Minimize Yourself
Today, pay attention to the moments when you add “just” to your feelings, your needs, or your limits.
Take a breath and try saying the sentence again—without the minimizer.
“I’m tired.”
“I need a break.”
“I feel sad.”
Let the truth stand on its own.
Your experience deserves a full voice, not a smaller one.
“Nothing in you is ‘just.’ Everything in you is telling a story worth hearing.”
What I’m Reading
I’m currently reading Shadow Daughter by Harriet Brown. A Memoir of Estrangement that explores the complexity of family estrangement. It's full of research and personal stories.
Upcoming Events
Going All In
What does “going all in” mean to you?
Is there a part of your life—your healing, your voice, your purpose—where you've been holding back?
We’ll explore what it means to fully commit to what matters most. Through the lens of a poker metaphor, we’ll look at what cards life has dealt you, when to fold, and when it’s time to bet on yourself.
Tuesday, December 9 1:15 PM Pacific - In-person sponsored by YMCA Mill Creek - 13723 Puget Park Dr., Everett WA
Estrangement and Holiday Grief
Parents with estranged (meaning no contact or limited contact) adult children often suffer and grieve alone. It’s common to think “it’s just me” and have feelings of shame, anger, confusion, disappointment and grief.
Holidays and special days are especially painful. There are grief triggers everywhere – holiday movies and commercials; people talking about their plans and asking about yours; memories of past special days with your family.
The purpose of this gathering is to learn strategies to help you cope with the holidays and connect with other parents that understand what you’re going through.
Note: This gathering is limited to parents of estranged adult children.
Tuesday, December 9 6:00 PM Pacific - In-person support group sponsored by Sno-Isle Libraries
Mill Creek City Hall North – 15720 Main St., Mill Creek, WA
Holiday Grief Support
When you are grieving the loss of a loved one, holidays and special days are especially painful. You may feel okay and then suddenly start crying because you were triggered by a memory, a scent, a commercial or a well-meaning person.
You will have moments that are deeply painful. However, you may be able to soften it some with a little planning and identifying ways to cope.
In this small group you will:
·have opportunities to share your story, if you choose to. There is no pressure.
·learn strategies to help you cope with your loss.
·connect with others who are also grieving.
This is a space where you can simply be yourself—no explanations needed.
Wednesday, December 10 11:00 AM Pacific - In-person support group sponsored by Sno-Isle Libraries
Mill Creek City Hall North – 15720 Main St., Mill Creek, WA
Holiday Grief Support - Saturday December 20 10:00 AM Pacific
Estrangement and Holiday Grief - Saturday December 20 12:00 Noon Pacific
The Good Grief Group is Moving!
We will meet virtually the first Saturday of the month at 9:00 AM Pacific time. Anyone experiencing any kind of loss is welcome to attend. Register on website.
Are you enjoying the newsletter? Is there something you’d like to see? Do you share it with others? I’d love to hear from you!
Until next time, practice dropping the ‘just,’ keeping the you!
Melody