The Grace of Guilt in Gratitude

In my last Musing, I wrote about the kindness of friends and family who helped us through a tough month of illness. We truly appreciated every bit of it. As my energy came back, one of my inner critics decided to pipe up. (I like to visualize these characters — what they look like, how they sound.)

This particular critic is a little old-lady troll named Agnes. She’s weathered, always has a cigarette in hand, and speaks in a gravelly growl. Agnes can suck the joy out of a room in seconds. “You know,” she rasps, taking another puff, “you take waaaay more than you give.”

Agnes made me feel guilty. I told a friend I was anxious to get well so I could reciprocate the neighbors’ kindness. She cut me off with a firm, “Stop it,” which got my attention fast.

“They wanted to help. Let them have that. Don’t take away from their giving.”

Bam. She was right. Along with the gratitude, I was carrying guilt — as if my heartfelt thank-yous weren’t enough. My ‘not enough’ critic, Nola, had also slipped in. I thought, “Really? This nonsense needs to stop. My brain is getting too crowded with critics!”

The truth is: we all have the desire to give. That means there has to be a whole lot of receiving too. It takes both.

So why is it so hard to be on the receiving end? I realized the word take stirs up old, negative feelings for me. It sounds like stealing or taking advantage of someone. But when I changed the language from take to accept, my shoulders dropped. It felt honest. It felt right.

A line from the article The Art Of Giving And Receiving: A Powerful Cycle Of Connection In 3 Fundamental Steps” says that “receiving requires vulnerability — the willingness to let someone see you in a moment of need.” There it was. Vulnerability. The part I resist. Like many people, I want to be self-reliant. I don’t want to burden anyone. And yes, I think about that more as I get older.

But giving and receiving deepens connection. They strengthen community. They create a positive ripple effect. When one person refuses to receive, the balance gets disrupted. It isn’t a contest. There’s no scoreboard — except the one in my head. So I tore that list up!

I will give what I can, when I can. And I will accept what others offer with gratitude and without guilt. And when old, cranky Agnes shows up, I’ll acknowledge her, thank her for the concern… and introduce her to my friend Grace.

Reflection Prompt:

How are you at receiving? Do you accept with grace? Do you feel guilty? What, if anything do your inner critics tell you about giving and receiving? How can you change it?